R E S P E C T & R E S P O N D
What if the answer is to just look at any situation and ask if what is expected of the child and parent is respectful to the self, respectful to each other, and respectful to the environment.
For example, if a parent gives playdough to a child to play. RESPECT YOURSELF is holding you and your child in highest regard, expecting that they are able and capable to listen, imagine, and lead their own play. RESPECT OTHERS is not sticking the playdough in someone’s face or throwing it at them or participating in a way that would be hurtful or disrespectful to the other. RESPECT THE ENVIRONMENT means cleaning up after or taking care to not ruin the property while playing.
RESPOND simply means responding with thought, care, and respect instead of reacting with anger, hurt, or projection. Learning to connect together instead of disconnecting in any situation and reflecting it in your little one.
R E F L E C T I O N
WHAT does respect mean to you?
WHERE are some triggers that make you react instead of respond to your child?
HOW are some ways that you demand “respect” disrespectfully?
A G E – A P P R O P R I A T E & A B L E
One of the key components of Respectful Parenting is trusting that your child is whole, able, and competent. What that looks like is holding firm boundaries lovingly even if they react, trusting that if you hold the space and boundaries lovingly, that they will be able to shift and grow through it.
Able is saying your child is ABLE to feel sadness, anger, heartbreak, disappointment in a healthy way that can teach them instead of hurt them if held in respect, gentleness, kindness, calm, and confidence.
For this to happen, the boundaries need to be age-appropriate.
If your toddler wants to use a scissors and we trust that they are whole, able and competent to can learn this, the age-appropriate way is to then give them toddler-friendly scissors (blunt tip, smaller hold, easier to grip and maneuver) to master instead of hiding the scissors, pretending it doesn’t exist or giving them something that isn’t suitable for them only sets them up for a loss.
A loss in confidence, a loss in awareness, a loss in honesty, a loss of a sacred exchange.
Actions speak louder than words.
Are you showing them that you think that they are whole, able, and competent in an age-appropriate way?
R E F L E C T I O N
WHAT are some places that you might be holding back your child?
WHERE are the places that you might be demanding too much of your child?
HOW does your child need you to believe that they are whole, able, and competent more?
C A L M & C O N S I S T E N T
Can you be your little one’s anchor in the storm? During a crisis, the first things experts always say is stay calm. The neuroscience behind that is if you can regulate your breath and response, it keeps you in your logical thinking brain that allows you to make wise rational decisions.
When your little one is having a hard time, they are deeply in their survival brain which gets expressed in 4 ways:
FIGHT – hitting, screaming, challenging, pushing
FLIGHT – running away, hiding, avoiding
FREEZE – paralyzed, unable to talk or do anything, frozen, numbing out, unable to engage
FAWN – please, comply (not because they understand why but because they know they have to agree to survive), charm, do whatever they can to “like” them again
Unfortunately, none of these survival instincts truly teach them to regulate or problem-solve. Staying calm allows them (and mama too!) to feel safe, regulate, be helped and heard through an experience in order to be able to problem-solve and deescalate as they work through a problem.
Consistent routine, schedule, rules, boundaries, expectations, behavior is what really allows little ones to thrive. It isn’t an option, it’s a must. Consistency gives them the basic need to feel safe because they know and can rely on what is to come next and what will happen if or who can I trust.
R E F L E C T I O N
HOW would your child describe your relationship with them?
WHAT are some ways your child reacts when they feel overwhelmed? Can you identify if they fight/flight/freeze/fawn so you can respond in a way that reminds them that they are safe?
WHERE are some areas that you know your child needs more structure and consistency so she/he can move from surviving to thriving?
H E L P & H E A R
Reframe. What if you thought of your child’s tantrums as a cry for help? Help me, I’m having trouble understanding why. Help me, I can’t control my body. Help me, my feelings feel so big and overwhelming. Help me, I feel scared and alone and rejected.
Because that’s what tantrums really are. Tantrums are a cry for help from your little one who is trying to navigate a big world with a little body and a still learning to develop brain.
The question then is can you hear them? Can you hear them when their feelings scream and their hands hit and their words hurt? Can you hear the little girl or boy inside that’s asking for help? Can you hear the story and ask what happened and really hold space to listen? Can you hear all the hard and the yuck and the hurt inside, mama?
The misconception is that little ones are manipulating or using or scheming or tricking the adults. Something IS wrong. Something DOES hurt. Something really DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT.
Or if there is a learned behavior that has already been established, I need help trying to unlearn it and renavigate it, mama. A cry for help is a cry for help. There is no “fake” cry. It signals something. Can you help and hear it?
R E F L E C T I O N
WHAT are some things you assume when your child is throwing a tantrum?
HOW would you want your best friend to help and hear you if you were struggling?
WHERE are some of the areas that you need most help with?
E X P E R I E N C E & E M P A T H Y
Can you be a witness to my story? To my becoming? Can you climb into the experience with me – happy, sad, scared, angry, hurt, little, big.
For little ones, it’s never the end journey that matters as much as the experience through it. It’s not about the pizza at the end but that you made it together. It’s not about swimming but that you climbed into the pool and played with them. It’s not about the hurry up and get to the park but the walk there and did you stop to smell and discover the flowers with them? Wonder.
We want our children to have empathy, but the only way they are able to learn empathy is through us. Empathy says I see you, I hear you, I am with you.
R E F L E C T I O N
WHERE are you focusing on the end-result that your child needs you to climb in and experience together with?
WHAT makes you feel heard, seen, believed in?
HOW can you show up to be a witness to your child’s story/becoming?
A L L O W E D & A U T H E N T I C
A centers on authenticity. Allowing children to be children – to explore, be curious, test, have big feelings and quick reactions. It’s recognizing that the prefrontal cortex of little ones where all the logical, reasoning, problem-solving, higher thinking skills happen doesn’t really fully develop until the age of 25.
Our job as parents isn’t to shut it down, our job as parents is to raise and stretch their green zone, their growth zone for learning, understanding, regulating, problem solving, reasoning.
We do this by being authentic to our feelings, empathetically feeling into our emotions as to mirror for them what it means and how to get through it together. Trusting and empowering them as you teach them.
R E F L E C T I O N
WHAT is something that you know your child is capable of but you are holding back on?
WHERE do you know that your child needs to be allowed to be more child-like?
WHAT are places in your motherhood that feel disconnected?
L E A D W I T H L O V E
When you think about some of the best bosses and teachers you’ve ever had, what stands true for you in how they all acted?
They believed in you, they trusted your work and that you were able.
They provided clear expectations and strong boundaries…but gave you freedom within those to be creative, thrive, flourish.
They always followed through.
They asked questions and got curious before they got critical.
They encouraged both individuality and team work.
They provided you with the tools and environment/culture that you needed to thrive.
When you failed, they didn’t shame you but instead asked together, what can we learn from this?
The truth is, parenting IS leadership skills.
If you forget everything about The RACHEAL Method, come back to this. Lead with love is the heart of the RACHEAL method. It is the core principle that drives each learning moment and time together. Leading with love means we build kind, compassionate, resilient, confident little leaders by leading with love ourselves.
R E F L E C T I O N
WHAT would a good teacher/boss do?
WHERE do I need to focus and build in my little one so he/she is empowered to thrive?
HOW would I want them to respond to (insert situation) in 20 years without me there?
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